A customer enters a pet shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a
complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about
this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from
this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian
Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's
dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable
bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful
plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh
cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO
POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine
o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on
the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it
plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!
Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad
enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and
when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured
me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the
fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is
that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the
moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back!
Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot
when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason
that it had been sitting on its perch in the first
place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't
nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to
those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM!
Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put
four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no
more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to
meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you
hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the
daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the
twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal
coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin'
choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the
shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Not really...
C: Well, it's hardly a bloody replacement, is it?!?!
O: Do you want to come back to my place?
C: I thought you'd never ask.
