I write to you for the last time From my deathbed, oh, dear mother My health is gone, I'm fading fast And I fear I'll not recover I've lost 100 pounds, my hair, my sight And this illness had its nexus The day I judged the red hot chili cook-off in Jalapeño, Texas Well, as you know, in Tennessee, you fed us normal things Yeah, like Tabasco-seasoned barbecue and spicy chicken wings But I've got a friend down here in Texas who's a chili cook-off judge And on the day of the statewide cook-off, he lay sick and could not budge "I'm sicker than a dog", he said, "you'll have to take my place" "Now all you do is pick the chili you like after givin 'em all a taste" So of course, I did what I had to do to help out my old friend But that decision ruined my life and brought me to this sorry end Do not eat Texas chili, mama, or you will surely die (You will surely die) Don't even mention Texas chili to me, I will tell you why Just the thought will fire up memories that will wreck my solar plexus Of the day I judged the red hot chili cook-off in Jalapeño, Texas They led me to the judge's stand and sat me in my place Put three bowls of chili in front of me, just to sample, just to taste Number one was "Dragon's Breath" and it had such a nice aroma I took a big ol' bite, heh, nearly slipped into a coma, oh Oh, sweet Lord, what is this stuff? My uvula's on fire My ears are ringing and my nose is running and my feet are starting to perspire Then number two was called "Flamethrower" and it was not misnamed One taste, my eyes, ears, nose and throat all shot out long blue flame "Help, somebody, call 911! I don't think I can breathe!" "I can't seem to catch my breath and all I can do is wheeze!" Then I heard somebody screamin', screamin' uncontrollably I turned to see who it was and Lord, have mercy, it was me The winner was simply "Charlie's Chili", sounded innocent enough But it knocked me backwards off the stand with one taste of the stuff I got up runnin', lookin' for a doctor or, or an ice-cold bottle of water I downed a keg of beer and six snow cones and it only made me hotter, ah! It's been a year now and I can only sip a smoothie now and then If I try some solid food, the flames flare up again Oh God, it burned and blistered from my mouth down to my colon And what little skin that's left at all is inflamed and badly swollen So I write to you, dear mother, just to say goodbye And to warn you and the family of one thing before I die Do not eat Texas chili, it'll put you in the ground And even if you should survive, you won't be able to sit down Do not eat Texas chili, mama, or you will surely die (You will surely die) Don't even mention Texas chili to me and I will tell you why Just the thought will fire up memories that'll wreck my solar plexus Of the day I judged the red hot chili cook-off in Jalapeño, Texas Ha!